God, I'm feeling a lot of emotions but I'm really just feeling... sad.
I really should have seen it coming, but today me and my partner broke up, I guess I wanted to believe but I think their feelings for me were already gone.
I just want today to be over, so I'm going to get to bed early tonight, and maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
It's really no better, I'm just cycling through everything that went down in my mind, wishing I said or did small stuff differently; I just don't know how to rationalize this. So much time with each other only for it to mean so little in the end, they didn't even want to talk after it all, despite the 8 months we knew each other. I just wish I could know more, do something, that's all I'm really thinking about. The anxiety is gone but everything's still cycling. I'm also going to get to bed early, if I can.
I talked more about it with some friends and it sort of helped, I really appreciated the advice they gave me, but it didn't relieve any of the sadness in my chest, it just felt numb, but not a bad numb. I can't believe I'm single again, I've almost forgotten what it feels like. The weight of it all has starting to set in, which isn't helping, but as long as I can properly come to terms with these emotions, I can be at ease. It just takes time.
I talked to some more friends today, and they told me some stuff about my ex which really surprised me. It wasn't like anything illegal or too unethical, but the fact I didn't know about it until now really annoyed me. I just can't believe I didn't know about any of it while we were dating, it was like they were trying to pull the wool over my eyes about them. I don't usually get emotional but GOD I've just wanted to punch a wall since I heard it - I decided to punch my pillow instead. The sadness hasn't gone away really, I wish it would.
I really don't ever want to see them again, I can't accept how they hurt me, despite my subconscious willing to forgive them. I really don't think I'll see them again, realistically, but all I can really think about in my spare time is ways I would push them away if they tried to talk to or see me again, just to show them off at how I'm not someone they can mess with anymore. It just sucks I have so many things that are reminders of them, I want to throw them away, but really I don't. I'm just going to put them in a box somewhere. I don't know.
I don't have the motivation to do anything right now. I get this once or twice a month, but right now it's especially bad, even though I have schoolwork and personal stuff I want to do, I just feel like banging my head against a pillow. It annoys me I still think about them, not so much that I still want them or want to take revenge, but that they're the only reason I feel this way, and there's nothing I can say to them that will resolve this. I just hate I didn't get any closure on what I did wrong or what they really felt. I should make plans with my friends.
I ended up crying. I haven't in a while, I'm not much of a crier, so it felt good to let some of my emotions out that way. I thought a lot about my experiences with them and stuff, so, I think I just need to find new people to have some interest in so I can let go of them.
I'm talking to some friends I haven't talked to in a while, there's one I'm pretty interested in but I don't want to consciously think about it too much out of risk I'll get disappointed if it doesn't go anywhere. I wish I had more friends at school I could be involved with, but even though I'm in a good share of the organizations and clubs, I still haven't settled into a solid friend group yet, so I just hang out with singular friends and ones online. I'm glad I've been thinking about them less, they really don't deserve that place in my head.
Holy crap I greened the hell out, I was not expecting that. A friend of mine offered it to me and I was like sure, and completely misjudged the amount lol. It was the first time I had really tried weed and wow that hit like a truck, there are so many ways I could describe it but it still wouldn't be accurate. I'm glad I wasn't in public or anything, I just - wow yeah this is all I can really think about right now. This'll take a while to wear off.
This new online friend group has been fun, I called with them and I really enjoyed it. But I don't know, there's apart of me that feels like I want more, but another part that feels like I don't belong. It's minimal, so I hope it'll go away soon. I've noticed my interest has been spread over a few different people, even if I'm not really *into* them. And it's a litle embarrassing, but I've been more horny than usual? Maybe the weed messed with some brain chemistry or made me more self-reflective than usual, I was told it stays in your system for a few weeks after you take it, so, I'll see.
A lot of the feelings and memories about them are starting to come back again. I thought I dealt with them before, but I uh, I guess not. I'm not annoyed about it anymore, I'm just sad. It feels like a weight that won't go away, and only gets lighter depending on how I handle it. I've tried to gauge my activeness in that new friend group, I feel more awkward or out of place there than I should be. I'm probably overthinking it, and I'm too behind on schoolwork to worry so much about it. I'll use that as a reason to why I haven't been talking as much.
I've been staying up later and later recently. That demotivatedness hit again, more than before, and now I'm continuing to stay up to reach some satisfaction of the day I can't attain. My schoolwork I was behind on is basically done, and thank goodness, because I couldn't do anymore anyway. The only thing I actually want to do is a personal project, but that's slow going. I guess I'm feeling lonely. Unconsciously pining after other people who I expected more than I should have kinda came crashing back down on me. Oops lol.
They really broke my trust, I'm realizing. I want to persue connections with other people, but I can't be able to intrinsically trust them or not believe they're being real with me. I don't want to believe I'm being treated like someone "different", I want my friends and partners to see me as equals, but how can you truly know if they are loyal? How do you renew that connection? I don't want to remain on edge with everyone forever, I just want one person I can really trust... sorry, that was alot, it's all I've been thinking about.
I have stuff to do tomorrow but my body won't let me rest. I don't want to start anything new so I'm just laying awake on my bed listening to music. Music doesn't fully help my sadness but it does numb it, and I especially like it when I can both relate to the songs lyrics and enjoy the music and intrumentals. One of the things I did in our relationship was have them listen to my favorite album together, that was the key, I felt, to trust them from that point on. I ponder whether I'm worthy to be with someone in my life right now, not in a human sense, more in a societal sense. I'm really tired.
I think what really hurt me was how much they broke our connection, to the point of not wanting to see or talk to anymore, which is a first for me. I can't scroll too far in my photo gallery lest my mood dampens from seeing memories of us together. I don't want to recreate memories I've already forged in my mind, just thinking of "redo"ing them with someone else feels phoney. I shouldn't expect to find my soulmate first try but to throw all that experince out the window is such an injustice to the preservation of my life's history and achievements. I don't know how I can accept it.
I don't like feeling this way, for life to just pass me by while I stay hung up because of a broken heart. I've felt similar in the past, and looking back on those times, it really feels like those months flew by, with nothing of note to reminice on. I have projects I want to complete, but really I want someone who would be as intrinsically interested in my projects as I am in theirs, who has an inherit intellectual curiosity for the unknown and the humanly complex, someone who looks to create and not just consume, someone like,
like me, I guess.
That's at least one thing they didn't have.
Grief is so suffocating.
I wish I could just sleep.
I can hear the birds chirping, but I believe sleep can still take me. It'll just take some time.
Something happened last night which surprised me. I was in the middle of something on my computer, when suddenly a scene flashed in my mind which I can only describe as feeling seemingly endless, yet defiant hope for the people I loved. It really came out of nowhere and I had to stop what I was working on to process these feelings on my own, and it made me very emotional. It really made me appreciate the people I have in my life and how they want the best for me, despite our differences and imperfections. I'm not alone, and while it's taken months since my breakup to heal, I've learned a lot about myself and what really matters to me. I'll try hard and hope to build towards someone who is as worthy of me as I am for them.